2 August 2019
A PRESIDENT IS BORN!
With Potus having been cheated out of the election in 2016 - some say by Saudi hackers - it won't be allowed to happen again.
The new candidate, though still a youngster, is ready to fight the establishment like no candidate before.
The Hamster For President candidate this year is one of a litter of nine born the 17th of July to Mr. Louie Squat and Mrs. Ruby Squat, and is a resident of the state of Colorado.
The nomination won't be official, of course, until the great Hamster Convention of 2020, which will be held at the famous Seed Building in downtown Denver. Over a thousand politically motivated hamsters are expected to attend. The dates for the three-day conference,sometime in August, are yet to be announced.
The platform for 2020, such as it is, is still in the early preparation stages, but there are several key issues this campaign season that are especially important:
• World peace and nuclear disarmament;
Though still very young, our next president has shown remarkable academic abilities, as well as an even temper, a measured approach to problem-solving, and a talent for being playful and sleeping a lot. Such qualities are essential to a White House that's not going to start wars, compel regime change everywhere or anywhere, grind whistle-blowers into the dust, or conduct surveillance on US citizens (or anybody in the world).
The future Hamster Administration cannot eradicate poverty completely, but they will make a promise to live as modestly as the poorest of working class families. Furthermore, the new team, once inaugurated into office, will attempt the next best thing - getting rid of each and every special break currently assigned to the One Percent. In fact, those involved in criminal enterprises and monopoly practices are likely face some real hamsterly wrath. It has been suggested by some advisers that the nation's jails and prisons be emptied to make room for the new breed of robber barons, the worst in history!
If you want small government, you have to start small. You need to choose a small head of state, somewhere between five and seven ounces being a good place to start.
And the proceeds from the sale of such outdated buildings as the Pentagon, CIA headquarters, and their ilk will be put to rebuilding and enhancing the nation's infrastructure, with the budget, down to the last penny, open to the public for scrutiny. Also to be auction off will be the the billions (literally) of square footage in office space allocated to exorbitantly expensive top secret agencies, all put in place after 9/11 - and all proven utterly useless.
The Hamster White House will have time to read letters from constituents, but those warmongering "think tanks," bastions of the rich and powerful, that have so long been part of the Deep State, will find a lot of deaf ears when our next President takes office. Our future President will measure success in terms of how well the citizens of this great land sleep at night, ever more free of worries about nuclear holocaust, destitution, ill health and a lack of medicine, and other things that trouble us today.
The President-to-be is currently studying for master's degrees in both cage engineering and social psychology, and is already fluent in English, Spanish, Arabic, Russian, Hausa, and Wolof, as well as - soon to be added - Chinese, Igbo, Korean, Portuguese, and Lingala.
Please return often to this site for updates on the candidates, the election staff, special campaign events, voter outreach, and more. Hamsters reach adulthood at about six or seven weeks, so stay tuned for a more formal introduction to the future president and vice president. It will appear in this space once they have fully matured (some time in September or October).
See you then! And thank you for visiting the Hamster For President website.
Don't miss the latest about the Hamster For President campaign! You can receive automatic e-mail notices when news is posted here. Just enter your email address below.