The State of the Union

The State of the Union is ....

.... lousy!

Everybody's complaining about something. So why should I say otherwise? Nobody would believe me, anyway.

People don't like the weather. They don't like the economy, either. They complain because Washington can't get stuff done. They complain when Congress does something because they don't like that either.

A recent survey found that the states with the happiest people are those where marijuana use is not a crime, with the joy-factor being directly related to access to pot. Heck, have you ever seen a guy stoned out of his mind ... complaining? That ought to tell us something - like what to do about this epidemic of national discontent. Let's move ahead and pass the Affordable Weed Act.

Meanwhile, tens of thousands - perhaps hundreds of thousands - of rodents are waiting for unemployment checks that may never come. Rats have invaded Cleveland public schools and have been seen gnawing on textbooks and desks, yet the rat curricula in affected school districts consists of nothing, zero, zilch, nada! My fellow Americans, another generation of poorly educated street rats does not speak well for the state of our country.

And while we are failing our smaller citizens, we are wasting money by the billions. Immigration. What about that? Look at all the money circling the drain while human politicians bicker. Enough already! I say let's take those border guards off the dole. And no more wasted money airing ads against smoking. It works in reverse, anyhow. Every ad, another new smoker.

For every hopeful sign there's a warning that must be sounded. Home values are going up again, they tell us. But that's a deceptive index. The data actually refers to "home prices," not values. In fact, after six years under bank ownership, many properties have declined in value, like the ramshackle ranch house in Colorado that recently sold for $600,000 - with extra money demanded for the outhouse. Worst of all, a family of 29 field mice lost their home in the deal. Shame on you, bankers! Shame on you, Congress, for being in their pockets.

Legislators, it's time for a little straight talk. Pass any dangerous new warmongering bills and I'll veto them. If you fail to pass the good stuff, then I'll find a way to do an end run around you. You got a problem with that?

'Cause if so, I think it's time for some traffic problems in Washington.

Don't miss the latest about the Hamster For President campaign! You can receive automatic e-mail notices when news is posted here. Just enter your email address below.

it's private
powered by