31 JULY 2012
Diddley Squat Wins Primary
Convention to be held in August
The votes are all counted in all fifty states, and Diddley Squat will head the Hamster for President ticket in November.
His major oppoents in the primary elections - Einstein, Cropsie and Cosmo - have given their support to Diddley without reservation.
Beginning the morning of Tuesday, 14 August, the customary six-day rodent convention will take place at the Rodent's Inn one mile outside of Casper, Wyoming. Diddley is expected to announce his running mate the night before.
Diddley credits his win to the fact that he is the most "ordinary" of hamsters, wearing the traditional brown-striped fur of all domestic hamsters' ancestors. He gobbled up cookies at every campaign stop without uttering a word of criticism. He has released his family's income taxes for the past six generations showing that nobody in the family has ever had any income and that none have ever had a bank account, either in the U.S. or abroad. He believes that only squirrels are qualified to decide which trees are exactly the "right height," and he doesn't drive two Cadillacs, with or without helpless, suffering dogs stapped to the roof. And, most of all, he's never even been suspected of a felony.
These down-to-earth qualities, plus his natural, easygoing manner, will make him a the rodent to beat in the upcoming election. "It's ours to win," Diddley told supporters last month. "So let's spread the word, and let's start putting up the signs and posters! It's our turn now."
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