By Lolly Squat, bride of Diddley Squat
as told to Campaign Manager Merlotte

Armed and Dangerous

NEWS HEADLINE: Vice President Dick Cheney Shoots Lawyer

It all went down Saturday, the 11th. Dick Cheney shot his "friend" while on a bird hunt in Texas.

It was bound to happen, sooner or later. Human politics has long been the domain of trigger-happy, animal-hating, power-drunk monsters. And we hate to say, "I told you so." But, hey, it's not exactly a surprise, is it?

I'm not saying that the residents of the White House shoot people on a regular basis. But it's hardly out of character. Is Scooter Libby next? Or was this meant as a "wake-up call," a warning to keep his mouth shut? We honestly don't know. But what is clear is that the gunplay has become an almost perfect metaphor for the BushPolitic phenomenon and for human-style politics in general. "Shoot first and don't answer questions later."

The Gang That
Can't Shoot Straight

We'll leave it to your imagination why this shocking incident was entirely swept under the carpet for almost 24 hours, why the alleged perpetrator had the Secret Service intervene when sheriff's deputies tried to question him, and why it wasn't until fully four days after the fact that the VP even spoke publicly about it. But it's hard not to notice that for the Veep to turn his shotgun on a big-time Republican donor is a lot like shooting oneself in the foot. And that's what human politicians are notorious for doing - figuratively, of course.

And, of course, we have to ask, "what's next?" Worse yet, what's already there lurking behind the scenes, carefully concealed from a not-so-unsuspecting public?

Is this the great boost that the Hamster Party needs for that great electoral landslide in 2008? Will this administration - one that has completely run out of luck and is adrift in scandals - finally get run out of town? Will the gang-that-can't-shoot-straight ever get their story straight? Is this the beginning of the end?

I, Lolly, speaking for the furry critters of the world, call for these bungling idiots to resign. No excuses! Let a saner, smarter breed take their place. It's time to stop these madmen from shooting up Texas, the USA, and the world. It's time for common sense, non-violence, and freedom! Put my husband, Diddley Squat, in the White House! Vote hamster!

Police and volunteers search the area for bodies after vice-presidential shooting spree.

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