3 OCTOBER 2004
Bring out the popcorn, the peanuts, and the sunflower seeds! Tens of thousands of hamsters, representing every state in the nation, are converging on northern Virginia this week to prepare for the election in November.
The most important item on the agenda, of course, will be to pick a youthful nominee to carry the banner of the Hamster For President cause over the finish line on election day, November 2nd. With Potus in declining health and extreme old age, a young hamster will be picked to succeed him.
The first order of business, of course, is for the rules committee to meet and resolve conflicts concerning elegibility for office.
In the photo above, delegates from Colorado and North Carolina are shown just prior to a vote on how to meet Constitutional age requirements. Convention participants voted unanimously that the nominee and his (or her) running mate must both be at full adulthood by late January when the next U.S. president will be inaugurated. Since hamsters reach adulthood between two and three months of age, this means that the hamster nominee needs only to be born by the time of the convention.
Before nominations are made and ballots are cast, the hamsters will view videos from previous campaigns, including archived footage of the first Hamster For President candidate, Mister Ganja, who ran in 1996. Mister Ganja was succeeded in 1998 by his daughter, Ms. Ganjette, who chose her husband, Scratch, to be her running mate. In 2000, the convention picked two youthful brothers to champion the rodent cause - Diddley Squat IV and littermate Yarash, Jr.
Potus was just a month old when Diddley Squat passed away in June of 2002. But his energy, intelligence, and outgoing personality virtually assured that, on his deathbed, Diddley would choose Potus as his replacement for 2002-2004.
Rumors have circulated that the delegates are looking at a descendant of Yarash, Jr. for the top spot on the ticket this year. Yarash, Jr., or "YJ" as he was affectionately called, had a son called Paddington B. Hamster, and Paddington had a daughter, Ebony. Ebony, who married Ivory in early 2002, produced a son named Yoda. Yoda now has a son, Cecil, who was married in late summer to young Donna. Donna gave birth to a large, still-uncounted litter of babies on the 25th of September, 2004. It is said by insiders (though no public announcement has been made) that one of these youngsters has been named Diddley Squat V. Although delegates are considering a number of eligible candidates, gossip persists to the effect that Diddley Squat V or one of his littermates will eventually emerge as the nominee.
In the mean time, thousands of hamsters romp through piles of seeds and biscuits in a conference hall covered with almost a ton of aspen shavings.
The delegates are looking forward to one of the convention highlights - a message from the revered Potus that will be read to the assembly later this week.
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