Diddley Squat Heads West;
Yarash Junior Does the East Coast

Hamster Presidential nominee Diddley Squat will travel to California, Colorado, Texas, and New Mexico, before stopping off briefly in Missouri, Illinois, and Indiana on a brief campaign tour to take place in August. Meanwhile, Yarash Junior (also known as "YJ" -- see photo below) will go up and down the East Coast with major appearances in Vermont, Connecticut, Massachusetts, Georgia, North and South Carolina, and Florida.

During his first stop in California, Diddley will meet with several stars of stage and screen to host what is being billed as the world's first "Organized Anarchist Fundraiser." Next, he will meet with representatives of more than 20 oppressed groups in Boulder, Colorado, including undocumented immigrants, people who look like undocumented immigrants, people who either look like documented immigrants or who are actual undocumented immigrants but who would not be hassled if they lived anywhere else in the US, cigarette and cigar smokers, drivers of vehicles more than three years old, owners of vehicles with bumper stickers, critics of the local political elite, and teens who go barefoot outdoors. All of these can be jailed under Boulder's notorious 1998 Yuppie Conformist Act ("YCA/2") which provides jail sentences of up to two years for such offenses. This may be one of the most interesting stops on the campaign trail, as Diddley himself could be arrested because the same ordinance outlaws "the wearing of fur within city limits."

Meanwhile, YJ will deliver a lecture on human war-mongering and the power of the state at the School of Political Science at Harvard. He is also expected to participate in both television and radio talk shows in Boston. From Massachusetts, he will go to Vermont and New Hampshire to meet with religious leaders, shop keepers, restaurant workers, and members of at least local labor unions.

In Miami, YJ will participate in a seminar arranged by instructors and grad-students at Florida International University on surviving old age now that the Social Security Fund has been diverted to the CIA. As part of that forum, he will also try to recruit rodents to run a state Hamster For President office.

Diddley, after leaving Colorado, had hoped to debate the major human party candidates at Don Imus's picturesque New Mexico ranch, but Pat Buchanan alone accepted the invitation, only to reverse himself the next day on the grounds that Diddley could not prove that neither he nor any family member had ever been a member of the American Civil Liberties Union. However, it is still hoped that another event can be scheduled for New Mexico.

After southern Florida, YJ will make a brief appearance at an auto show in Daytona Beach, while Diddley will make a quick stop in Chicago (see photo, right) to host a concert by the all-hamster band Smashing Pumpkins Seeds (we can't help it -- the same record industry execs who name people bands name hamster bands, too). He is scheduled to meet the following day with editors of several newspapers in the Indianapolis area and with polling experts. A county fair is also a possibility, though not confirmed as yet, and it is also hoped that time can be made for Diddley to visit sick and elderly rats in a Missouri veterinary hospital, which could be another major photo-op.

YJ's east coast tour will then take him to Georgia, where he has agreed to talk to farmers in several counties, hoping to help them set aside their understandable misgivings about rodents, especially political ones. He is then scheduled to follow the candidates of the major "Two Legged" parties into North and South Carolina, hoping to raise issues at their public speaking engagements that otherwise would not be heard. This has proven a successful strategy for campaign workers in the past, as they have found fertile ground to win over new supporters and contributors. Indeed, in one recent case (see photo at left), a woman attending a rally for a major party contestant actually brought a hamster who occupied her own theater seat. The hamster was so terrified at the overblown rhetoric, exaggerations, and self-serving lies coming from the speakers that she cowered in her seat with her paws pressed tightly against her ears. Hamster For President campaign volunteers were quickly able to make her squeak with delight by telling her the news that a hamster would be running for the presidency, and the GFO,* too, became a proud supporter and campaign donor.

Diddley Squat will close his western tour with a visit to Texas, where he will unveil "the Bush papers," a horrific scandal uncovered by investigators working with the Hamster For President Campaign. A later trip to Tennessee is also planned, and will be announced as soon as soon as the campaign staff has concluded the upcoming report on "all those Gore skeletons."

Yarash will return to the Washington area in early September where he will propose a plan to convert several major government buildings into homeless shelters for mice, rats, and squirrels. Diddley will return in late August and is expected to take a bride at that time. Then the hamsters will concentrate on the filming and production of a 90 minute infomercial which will be aired nationally in the weeks leading up to the election.

* GFO stands for "Great Furless One," a term affectionately given by most hamsters to the humans that live with them.

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