DIDDLEY SQUAT VII: GENEALOGY

(27 October 2019) (29 August 2019)

The 2020 Hamster Party nominee for President is actually Diddley Squat VII - that's right, the seventh. The first hamster by that name to run for President was Diddley Squat IV in 2000. He was followed four years later by Diddley Squat V, and in 2012 it was Diddley Squat VI's turn (Photo below; see our History section).

The first three Diddley Squats (never candidates) had no surviving children, leaving people to believe that there was a "name curse" that ensured no hamster by that name would leave progeny.

The idea gained traction when Ebony, the lovely wife of Diddley Squat IV (2000 candidate), bore eight children but none survived infancy. Though still young, she suffered a miscarriage with her second pregnancy, which is quite unusual in hamsters and not a healthy sign. The family vet advised that she not be bred for another month and put her on a special diet. She again became pregnant, but this time there were only two still born babies.

But the fourth Diddley Squat had his brother Yarash Junior or "YJ" as his running mate. And YJ was not so unfortunate. He became the great-great-great grandfather of Diddley Squat V, the 2004 nominee.

The genealogy is thus: Yarash Junior, brother of Diddley Squat VI, fathered Paddington, who in turn begat Tennham. Tennham's daughter Diamond never married, but due to a most unusual set of circumstances, produced offspring of her own. It seems the human on duty one night waited until late to feed the hamsters and was tired. After feeding them, this human got into the shower and afterward went to bed. Then, impossible to miss dashing across the floor on the dark colored carpeting, was Diamond, a while hamster with black spots. Diamond was promptly returned to her cage. A short time after that, the human was again out of bed, concerned that if one cage wasn't properly closed, it could have happened to others. And sure enough. Another cage was left unlatched and the occupant, a hamster named Yoda - was loose. He managed to hide behind a bookcase that had a false floor under the lower shelf. He was found there after a search that lasted more than a day.

And that's not the end of the story. Sixteen days after the double escape, there were tiny "peep" sounds from Diamond's cage, sounds like hamster newborns. But nobody bothered to look. She couldn't have babies. She had no husband. But then, remembering that Yoda had been loose at the same time as her, the cage was checked and indeed, there were six tiny babies in there. Yoda, the father, was married to Tyler. It remains to this day the only scandal in the history of HFP.

But those six babies born of Diamond (YJ's granddaughter) became third generation after Diddley Squat VI and YJ; the great-grandchildren of YJ, brother of DS4.

Of Diamond's litter, one was kept in the family. He was a beige male named Cecil. At the age of one year, Cecil advertised on this website for a bride, and got several responses - none of which was practical. Either the potential brides were not allowed to leave their homes, or they lived in faraway states - or both. But finally a response came that was perfect. It was a little girl named Donna, who lived about 80 miles away. She was young and tiny, but available.

Donna was retrieved and, when she was of sufficient size to marry, became the devoted and beloved bride of Cecil. And they became the parents of 16-18 babies (15 survivors).

Among them was Diddley Squat V and his brother, later Vice Presidential pick, Bupkes. These now are the great-great grandchildren of YJ, brother to the 2000 presidential candidate.

Diddley Squat V, as we've noted, ran for the presidency in 2004, and was the father of Yarash. Late in life, son Yarash, became the father of three daughters, including Zero and Zoey. Zoey and Zero were the 2008 nominees. They were also the great-great-great granchildren of the vice presidential candidate in 2000.

Zoey never had children, but Zero did. However, she was unable to feed them properly and all but three died. Those three were finally rescued and hand fed. There were two survivors - Gabe and Bonno - great-great-great-great granchildren of the 2000 VP candidate). Both Gabe and Bonno became parents. It was Gabe's line that would continue the legacy.

Gabe and his wife Sharkie managed to have a litter of thirteen children (great-great-great-great-great granchildren to the DS4 and YJ generation), including one son Beetle who took a young bride, Bitty who, after surviving pneumonia, produced a litter of seven. Among them was Diddley Squat VI, the 2016 Hamster for President pick, pictured in the photograph above. So Diddley Squat VI was the great-great-great-great-great-great grandson (yes, great X 6) of YJ, brother of the fourth Diddley Squat.

Then came two more generations. Diddley Squat VI married Cree on the 10th of March 2013. After two honeymoons, she was pregnant and gave birth to eleven babies. Among them was Linus who, with wife Surrie, would become the father of Lucius and Cassius. Lucius, in turn, fathered ten children, including a daughter, Dolly, and a son, Beetle (actually Beetle II). Linus would be the "great X 7" grandson of the 2004 generation, making his daughter Dolly their "8-greats" granddaughter.

Dolly became the mother of eight, including Leo, Lopez, and Louie. And Louie, with wife Ruby, produced nine children, including Mason and Monaham, as well as the current HFP candidate, Diddley Squat VII - which makes our present candidate (pictured above at age three weeks) the nine-times-great grandson of the 2004 VP candidate and the great-great-great grandson of DS the Sixth who ran for president in 2012.