The Candidates    









Polls open at 7 a.m. tomorrow

Mason, in a guest commentary, advises the Democratic National Committee on more effective and more subtle means of election throttling.

Dear DNC:

It's obvious what happened in Iowa. A team of politically-connected, lavishly funded Clinton operatives - probably with help from a number of deep state actors - came up with an app, essentially a little computer program, that was (supposedly) meant to keep score at the Iowa Democratic political caususes on February 3rd. The program fouled things up so badly that there hasn't been as of this writing a full count. or even a credible partial count, of how caucus attendees cast their votes. And there may never be. Certainly no such verifiable results will come from the app.

One popular TV commentator referred to the mess as a "dumpster fire," inplying that it took the data from the caucus locations and did the equivalent of putting them into a garbage receptacle and lighting a big fire.

Unfortunately for you guys there at DNC/HQ, people had found out that one particular candidate, with very suspicious ties to the CIA and other intelligence groups, was a major investor in the company that made the "dumpster fire" app that foiled the caucus. This opened the way to his brash and suspiciously confident declaration that he was the winner - even before any semblance of a vote count. You need little imagination to see how those facts, taken entirely out of context of course, got parlayed into a myriad of distinctly logical conspiracy tales. Ooops!

Things began to go really crazy when that same candidate - whom we'll call Mayor Pete A.E. Neuman Guaido for his resemblance to the Alfred E. Neuman Mad Magazine character and for his peculiar grab at an invisible "win" - somehow managed to declare himself "victorious" with stunning confidence long before the caucus results had been counted. That did look a bit dubious, as many of you probably will admit.

The fact that the same candidate had worked for a consulting firm, McKinsey & Co., that contracts with the CIA didn't help, either. It was like "outsourced sabotage," you could say. Now the extremists (virtually all citizens to the left of Hillary) are coming up with stuff about a "CIA coup here in America." Be careful!

And with a startling 218 endorsements for this candidate from people with ties to the intelligence community and State Department - yes, that's two hundred and eighteen of them - things became all the more uncanny and weird. The candidate, "Pete the Cheat," a.k.a. "the American Juan Guaido," did a brief stint in the military as a Navy intelligence officer in Afghanistan. A podcast commedian referred to his acknowledged role in the military as being nothing more than a "walking paperweight." He reveals very little, in other words. The endorsements suggest there was more to it than that. You're slipping, DNC staffers! No wonder you got caught! You need to get better at hiding the dirt.

Something that is perhaps even more significant is the fact that the Des Moines Register's eligible voter survey, considered the "gold standard" for predicting the outcome of the Iowa caucuses, had been showing a growing lead for candidate Bernie Sanders. And yet, at the last minute, the newspaper declined to publish its final poll.

This was done, according to undisputed reports, at the request of the Buttigeig campaign. Now that is astounding! Even if little "Pete" was the son of the publisher, he could not have persuaded the paper to suppress that much-anticipated and nationally recognized poll. So what exactly is the mysterious influence he has?

I really wish I knew how that feat was accomplished. Was it the collective will of you guys at the DNC and your corporate sponsors? Did those endorsers from the CIA, NSA and other intelligence agencies play a part? This is downright scary! this little trick, along with the secrecy surrounding everything Iowa, makes the left's conspiracy theories seem entirely plausible, rational, even probable. You've got a train wreck on your hands now.

Was the point of the Des Moines paper caper to conceal some behind-the-scenes mischief? Hey, a stolen election would be kind of obvious if it came on the heels of a a highly-reliable poll that showed the small town mayor in fourth place? I can't help but think that was the case. Correct me if I - and millions of others - are wrong.

And c'mon guys. Naming the app "Shadow" was a profoundly stupid idea. The name suggests something shady, something concealed in the shadows, maybe even a secret motive.

You people did everything wrong. You didn't even bother to send spies into the Sanders camp (or anybody else's) to see if they had a backup system to catch fraud. Shame on you. Now that's got to be the mother of all miscalculations.

Now I'm going to try to help you out. I have some small rodent friends in Nigeria (mice) who have studied the most flagrant election abuses imaginable - but ones that work a lot better than yours. Much of this is based on the 1998-99 election in that country. And while the U.S. State Department conceded that the aforementioned election was probably the most crooked anywhere on earth in all history, they reported that they liked the results and would accept the outcome. Don't forget that. You can get away with more than you think - provided you do it right.

To imitate successfully the Nigerian model, you must have three types of polling places: (1)non-existent ones; (2) ballotless ones; and (3) pay-off centers. Ballots must all be printed at least a day in advance with the appropriate little marks next to the name of the winner, and all but those reserved for the "cash reward" program must be turned in to the appropriate state election officials before the polls open in the morning.

Most voters will be directed to bogus polling places that are in the middle of chicken farms, rivers, or landfills. Obviously, the voters will never be able to cast ballots if they can't find a real polling place. This category is the simplest from an administrative point of view and, to save money, can be used in up to 75 to 80 per cent of voting places.

Others will be given addresses to storefronts that are semi-operational polling places - meaning they are staffed with election workers, but have no ballots. When people get huffy about being turned away, poll staffers should advise them to come back in an hour. Say something like: "The ballots are late getting here." They may need to do this more than once, so my Nigerian friends stress that staffers at U.S. polling places should be well-armed. Angry people can get awfully nasty.

These ballotless polling places should comprise no more than 10 per cent of the locations. While this type of set-up is necessary, such balloting centers can pose problems similar to what's happening in Iowa, so use no more than local conditions require.

The last kind of polling location is the pay-off center. This is the one exception to the rule about turning in ballots before the voters actually get to vote. Prospective voters appearing in these locations should be cheerfully welcomed inside, given free drinks of hot tea, palm wine, or some kind of beer or juice (there must be at least two choices of beverages). And they must be given a fist full of the pre-printed ballots (or just one ballot if the voting ritual is being filmed).

The news media are steered to these. They are the proof to the public and to international observers that there really was an election. In fact, these are the centerpiece of the rigged or manipulated election. It's imperative that those voters entering and leaving appear to be satisfied and even proud of their voting experience.

It is normal for a voter to appear disillusioned when given a ballot with only one choice, especially if it's already marked for that candidate. The preferred method for getting people to "happily" cast their pre-printed ballots is to simply pay them off. Adjusted for the current economic situation in Nigeria, the payment (say my Nigeria mice) should be around 6,500 naira, equal to about 20 U.S. dollars. In America, though, where literally billions are spent on presidential elections, a "happy voter prize" of $1,500 or even twice that amount is not unreasonable. But remember to pay in cash so there will be no bank records to trace. Don't under-rate the opposition. You've done a lot of that lately and it ain't helping your cause.

There will always be radicals who refuse the money and the ballot. These are the real trouble makers. They'll tell anyone who listens about their experience. They must be silenced. Those non-voters should be restrained and confined so that they are not let out on the street where the media can see or hear them. They are not to be held any longer than 24 hours after voting ends, and may be released sooner, depending on political conditions.

The vast majority of voters (in the Nigerian mice study) did take the money. They cast their ballots and kept their promises to leave the building with smiles on their faces. Nigeria hasn't adopted the American tradition of putting "I voted" stickers on them. In the U.S., of course, it's absolutely necessary to have these tokens available and to encourage people to take them and stick them on their faces, especially if there has been an altercation of some kind at the ballot box and a battered voter leaves with visible bruises and cuts.

And, dear DNC capos and bosses and underbosses, foot-soldiers, enforcers, all, remember that vote talleys can be manipulated after the fact should there be a failure of any of the above systems. If computer balloting is used, a program can be devised - as you well know - to shave off excess votes for an inappropriate candidate and give them to one more deserving (like your boy Pete). But please, please take my advice and name the program, if it must be named, something as far removed from "Shadow" as you can get. Call it something that sounds less sinister and a lot more like democracy.

And I probably don't have to remind you of the importance of media before, during and after the fraudulent - or rather guided - election. The one thing that leaves the greatest impression with mass media consumers is fear. Fear!

So sound the alarm at every opportunity over the dangers of Russian / Commie / Pinko meddling. In fact, you can shame voters if you persist in saying defectors from the Party are Putin puppets who could be hauled into court on extremely serious treason charges. This is an exaggeration at present. But by making it appear real, millions of voters will be intimidated. And, more importantly, by putting this into the public subconscious now, you condition the populace for that day you are working so hard to bring about - a time when the laws of this country actually permit such policies.

Dear friends at the DNC. I realize how important it is to you that it is either your insider pick or Donald Trump who ends up as our next supreme leader. I "get it" about how great Trump has been to your syndicate for propaganda and fund-raising purposes. But I also suspect you tire of having to constantly steer him in the right direction, something that has apparently become a full-time (meaning 24/7) job. So by having hand-picked CIA people working for corporate media (accomplished) and putting a Langley-manufactured candidate like Pete in the White House (you get a D for your efforts to date) you will take giant steps toward your goal of projecting American power into every institution, every household on the planet. That's the point, right?

Its an ambitious task. And if you continue to put on the kind of three-ring circus/clown show you produced in Iowa, things could get hairy pretty fast. We might even see a return of the mass rebellion of the 1960s involving our war in Vietnam and a centuries-old custom of segregation in the south. Still good causes to a few of you - maybe. But these ideals are a primitive reflex among the very people you fear - progressives, revolutionaries, the working class. Rouse them from their slumber? Eek! I am sure that's the last thing you want.

So put a little effort into the art of subtlety. And keep the personal smears classy. I hope you won't misunderstand what I'm about to say. But I suggest you at least try to replace Hillary as your attack hound. Incredible as it may sound, many in the public feel she's a bit unhinged and her angry words and temper tantrums tend to backfire. Just maybe you haven't noticed.

There's an old saying that there's more than one way to skin a cat. And when it comes to rigging elections, there are a lot of tricks, some better than others. Deleting the names of registered voters who belong to groups known to favor socialists and peaceniks and hamsters is one option, but like any other it must be handled discretely. Re-writing rules is useful, but ought never be done immediately after a big payoff (think Bloomberg) because skeptics tend to notice things like that.

Keep the media pushing the red-baiting narrative -
but again, use restraint and keep the absolute worst crackpots muzzled. The video at right is an example. That sort of reckless and rabid commentary makes every single one of you look like lunatics. Guilt by association, you know. I know he's only saying the same things you are, but it's that extra measure of madness that puts him over the top.

Smear, but smear with at least a token of believability. Intimidiate the public all you want, but don't be overly aggressive. Change the rules, but quietly. Alter vote counts, but cover your arses in case you're being watched. Stop vote tabulations in dubious districts when it looks like you're about to lose your lead. But again, find an excuse that at least sounds half-legitimate. And above all, watch your backs because even your best friends will sometimes turn against you. In fact, your corporate sponsors will take a step back if they see nothing from you but the incompetence and pigheadedness we saw at the Iowa caucuses.

Got it?

Follow this hamster's advice or just shut me out. It's up to you.

Mason, campaign strategist for the Hamster for President
2020 Election Committee, campaign website manager,
assistant video producer, and chief communications
officer for the HFP Twitter account - @HAMSTER4PREZ.

P.S. And I hope you fail miserably. Now that you're politically to the right of John Bolton, John McCain and Jesse Helms, the country needs a new party ... or two or three or four. VOTE HAMSTER IN NOVEMBER!