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War? What?
Diddley Squeaks



Just 48 hours into the New Year and the humanoid in the White House (no offense to real humans) went and assassinated some guy. Not just any guy. This one was a war hero, somebody imporant. In fact, us hamsters have heard that he was really very, very, very popular.

Now, even if he wasn't a big rock star (or whatever he was famouos for) an assassination is a stupid thing to do. Have you ever imagined a hamster doing something that reckless and that incredibly dumb?

Next thing you know they'll be acting like they're in kindergarten - not that they ever got past it. The other side will get mad and call us names. And our "leader" will get madder and throw stuff at them. They'll throw something back. And the Pentagon bosses will find a bigger thing to throw at them. It goes on and on, spiraling from the miserably stupid to the absolute worse-worser-worsest stuff that humans are capable of. And when it comes to humans behaving badly, there appears to be no limit.

I can hear it all now. "Yer mama's fat and yer ugly" - bam! "Yer daddy's a chicken thief and a pimp" - bam! "Yer all a bunch of inbred toads" - bam! "I'm gonna make a slug salad out of you! - bam! "All youse guys are bloody, devil-worshipping reptiles who eat your young" - bam!

It'll only go downhill from there. Pretty soon they'll grab all the college kids who couldn't afford college and they'll order them all to put on uniforms, go overseas, carry big guns, manuever giant tanks and go about doing all things lunatic and dangerous. It won't be pretty, I promise you.

Probably 100 thousand of them will get hurt real bad. They'll come home and they will find that it costs money to stitch them up, put their bones back together and heal all limbs burned but not amputated. By now, of course, these young folks have long realized it wasn't college they signed up for. And what's more, there's not enough money to fix 'em.

"Here's a pain pill, now go away and die." That's what their reward will feel like. I'm not kidding.

A whole bunch more will come back messed up in the mind - and it's going to be a million times worse than what a hamster feels when his cage has been cleaned and all his precious stash of goodies taken away. Lots of them will end up under six feet of dirt, too. Believe me.

And what will happen to the rest? They're the ones that will make it back whole to America. I hope that's most of them. Because the next thing they'll do is join the peace movement. Have you been noticing that trend? It's big. I mean really big.

Now that means they're all but certain to vote hamster in November. You can't say they learn nothing making it through the greatest street gang brawl in history.

But don't think us hamsters like war. We hate it. Every hamster hates it. That's most definitely not the way we want to win votes. We hamsters want nobody to be wounded or killed or traumatized in a lunatic war!!!

In order for that to happen, we need to have grown-ups running this country. That means we can't waste our votes on humans who haven't evolved to the point that they can use reason instead of sticks and stones, bombs and drones.

So if you want to save a bunch of lives, please consider voting Hamster For President this coming November. I'd bet money if I had some that this will be the first vote you won't regret.