05 DECEMBER 2012
A Historic Co-Presidency
Diddley and Squit to Govern
Well, it's finally happened. While the "official" vote count didn't give the hamsters their share, the powers-that-be in Washington know what happened. Millions of people went to the polls to cast ballots for their choice, write-in candidates Diddley Squat and Squit.
And so, with wisdom uncommon in humans, the current administration has agreed to take on Diddley and Squit as co-President and co-Vice President. In the photo above, you can see Squit perched on the side of the Oval Office desk, advising Co-President Obama on how to handle the "fiscal rathole," as they call it. Please notice the hamster cage sitting discreetly on the floor (lower right-hand corner of the photo)!
The much-overblown pending "crisis" is hardly what it seems, the hamsters have assured their Partners in Presidency. Let the Republicans be stubborn, they say. Then just waddle right into the rathole with them. Yes, if the country stays in that less-than-comfortable rathole, we will be plunged into a depression. But that won't happen. If we were in danger of anything so extreme, wouldn't the stock market have tanked by now?
What happens in the rathole is that the Bush tax cuts expire and the rich - along with everyone else - will theoretically have to pay the same tax rates as they did under Clinton. That, of course, on their 2013 income tax returns, due in April of 2014. But it won't happen because the rathole budget won't last. What's likely is that we will poke our collective heads out of that fiscal rathole in January and move quickly to reduce the tax rates for the 99 per cent. And let the Republicans try to veto that.
And there are other benefits. A huge cut in the war budget also awaits at the bottom of that fiscal rathole. That alone does more than anything to shore up the economy and reduce the debt. Trust us, it's better than any cut that even Democrats would have dared to make.
Yes, it is true that almost everything will be de-funded, including much needed benefits to the unemployed. But so much is at stake that a new budget will be hammered out within days. You'll see. And the President and Co-President are going to be in a good position to shape it.
So have no fear. Hamsters are at work behind the scenes. They may not get the credit - or the blame - but the country is far better off for their hard work, a tiny hole gnawed in the White House carpet (since repaired) notwithstanding.
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