07 NOVEMBER 2012
Diddley Vows to Fight
(but not too hard)
In a sweeping victory last night, Diddley captured 216 electoral votes, 36 more than needed in a close three-way race. With decisive wins in 16 states, including delegate-rich California and New York, the Diddley Squat-Squit team drew more votes than any human candidate competing for the office. The hamster candidates had very narrow losses in at least seven other states.
But this won't be the end of it. The hamsters will have to fight to get those votes when the Electoral College meets the 12th of December. Some states have already expressed reluctance to cast their votes for a rodent.
Because the U.S. Constitution does not specifically include or exclude rodents as eligible for the presidency, the Hamster For President team expects they will have to defend a legal challenge from narrow-minded humans.
To that end, the campaign has retained a fine Constitutional expert, P. Legume Bean, Esq., to fight for the votes Diddley won in last night's election. Mr. Bean is Diddley Squat's nephew, whom he calls by his familiar name of Peanut.
There is serious concern as to whether people will listen to Mr. Bean, articulate and brilliant as he is. That's because hamster speech is not particularly loud nor is it intelligible to many humans. It is likely he will be dismissed as a "squeak coming from the Peanut gallery."
But Diddley promises his voters that he will fight for the election that he won "fair and square." And he places all his confidence in the persistence of his attorney to make the anti-hamster politicians feel guilty about stealing the election, as well as to gain legitimacy for the next hamster campaign in 2016. That will be the 20th anniversary of the first Hamster For President campaign in 1996.
Above all, Diddley and Squit thank the voters who put their trust in hamsters and those dedicated volunteers who worked tirelessly on the Hamster For President campaign.
Please see also Diddley Squat wins nomination, Squit to run for V.P., Presidential Campaign Launched, Campaign Goes to East Coast, Thousands Volunteer, and Polls Look Good For Hamsters in the Previous Notices section.
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