25 SEPTEMBER 2012
Diddley Squat Speaks to Voters
Candidate Tours East Coast
Acknowledging that the Hamster For President campaign faces an uphill battle with the candidates' names not appearing on any of the 50 states' ballots, Diddley Squat told an audience in Virginia that new polls in that state are far better than expected. Two weeks ago, opinion research showed the Democratic candidate leading with 49 percent of the vote, followed by the Republican with 43 percent, unnamed "others" polling at three percent, and four percent undecided.
Just yesterday (Monday the 24th of September) a new poll came out that had the incumbent still at 49 percent, while the Republican challenger saw his numbers fall drastically to just 29 percent. Because of the unusually large numbers of likely voters chosing alternative candidates, the newest poll lists two others getting measurable support in the surveys. They were identified as the Constitution Party with eight percent of the total and the Hamster Party with a whopping 12 percent. Just two percent of Virginians intending to vote remain undecided, according to the poll.
Historically, about 20 percent of voters polled six weeks before an election will change their minds at least once before election day. But this year has been particularly volatile, and the hamsters cite even higher poll numbers in Florida and New York as evidence that their campaign has started to catch on. Similar trends are expected to show up on surveys now being taken in the west and midwestern states.
"This election is far too important to be derailed by a bunch of little squares and circles on the printed ballot," Diddley told the teacher's convention. "The future of our children, our workers, our seniors, our mothers, fathers, sisters and brothers, our friends and our neighbors can be changed in a profound way by simply using the write-in option to vote Hamster on November 6th.
"The process is simple," he continued. "Every state in the country allows voters to write in the names of candidates not printed on the ballot.
"And they get counted," he stressed.
Diddley also told the crowd that the campaign is producing a video to further instruct voters on the the "how and why" of electing a hamster to the White House. The video is being made by Sage, a distant cousin of the candidates and a professional video producer. Sage (pictured at left) is the manager of YodaVision, the world's first hamster-owned entertainment firm which produces films on a variety of topics, including politics, hamsters, current events, and such things as music videos. It was founded in 2003 by Yoda, great-great-great-great-great grandather of the candidates.
The video will include clips showing the candidates epeaking at conventions and campaign rallies throughout the U.S. The candidates will be in Maryland and Delaware tomorrow (Wednesday the 26th) and then will travel to Pennsylvania and New Jersey before heading to Texas, New Mexico, Colorado, California and Washington.
"The response to Diddley's Virginia campaign tour was very promising," said the V.P. candidate, Squit Squat. "The teachers were surprised at his eloquence and his command of the issues. As a result, at least half of those present said afterward that they would 'probably' or 'definitely' change their minds and vote for the Hamster ticket.
"I finally feel like there's someone I can trust with the future of this country," said Milagros Roedorez, a history teacher at a community college near Washington, DC.
"I can't explain it, but I really like this guy," said an English teacher at a nearby high school.
"This is something new to me," said Kudirat Obuoké, a school principal in Herndon who is a naturalized citizen from Nigeria. "In my country we have elections so corrupt that they announce the results a week before the election and anyone who dares go to the polls and dispute the claimed winner is punished. Now I have my choice of candidates. And this hamster makes me very pleased.
"It will be my first time voting in America," she said, "and I am voting for this hamster, Diddley Squat."
"He'll make a fantastic president, just fantastic" exclaimed football coach Frank Sapienti-Criceto of Dale City, summing up the enthusiasm of those in attendance. "Diddley Squat has my vote."
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