14 AUGUST 2012
The Ticket is Complete
Squit to Run for VP
It's official! The Hamster For President Campaign has been launched. With Diddley Squat as the nominee and his brother Squit Squat his running mate, the campaign is off to a grand start.
The choice was revealed this afternoon in Washington, DC. Squit, a Colorado native and legal resident of Virginia, stood beside his brother Diddley as cheering throngs greeted the announcement. Taking the microphone for the first time in his life, Squit promised several thousand people and critters gathered near the Jefferson Memorial that "a vote for the hamster candidate is not, and never was, and never will be a vote for politics-as-usual."
"We're not billionaires or millionaires or thousandaires or even hundredaires," Squat said to the campaign's many supporters, adding that there is now "no way a hamster president would turn over the country to the rich."
Squit, a businessham who runs a real estate firm that's been in the family for generations, is proud that he hasn't become wealthy. "When self-enrichment is the goal," he said, "it is always accomplished at someone else's expense." Taking an obvious swipe at the Rmoney campaign, Squat said that the nation needs to "hit a reset button" on commerce so that "everything from food and housing to communications can be traded on a more level playing field."
He continued, "we're going to bring to Washington a clean slate, a kind of 'Etch-a-Sketch' that erases the mistakes of 236 years of human administrations, replacing old ideas with a new vision that I call 'Hamster Values.' No more robbery of the public to fund wars and support tyranical dictators abroad. No more catering to a privileged class. No longer will monopoly service providers and utilities be unaccountable to consumers. Never again will banks use their own mistakes as excuses to grab property and drive people from their homes."
Squit called for "small everything," rallying the crowd with a pledge that "big businss" will not be replaced by "big government." For those wanting small government, he asked his appreciative audience, "is seven ounces about the right size?"
"You're not going to elect us to tell you what to do," Squit reminded everyone. "You elect us so you can tell us what to do." He then reminded those gathered that they shouldn't ask for very much. "Hamsters," he said, "really do like to sleep a lot."
Squit is the proprietor of Rodent Realty, a firm founded by his great-great-great-great-great grandfather, Bupkes, who himself was a candidate for Vice President. The firm sells unwanted housing (see photo above left) for whatever a person can pay - no mortgage, no hassles, no titles, no fees. In fact, most listings have been sold online for a few sunflower seeds.
After the afternoon campaign rally, Diddley and Squit will join several thousand rodents and other supporters who are gathered for the national hamster political convention in Wyoming. They travel pet-class on regular commercial airlines, seated in small, unpretentious hamster-carrier units donated to the campaign and bearing the Hamster For President logo.
The convention, which begins tomorrow, will conclude at noon on Monday, the 20th of August. At a series of workshops, those in attendance will debate campaign strategies and finalize specific policy positions.
Asked by a reporter after the event if Diddley and Squit planned to release their incomes taxes, Squit said they did not. "We would gladly turn over every single filing, along with all correspondence with accountants and everyone else involved," he answered. "We believe in being open and honest with people. But the problem is that we're just five months old and neither of us has ever had an income."
Squit's real estate business deals mainly in seeds, and the proceeds from home sales go back into the businss.
The hamsters also said that if elected they will not charge taxpayers the salaries and benefits usually given to the President and Vice President. "We aren't going to do very much, so we'll settle for clean, soft bedding, fresh water every day, and good stuff to eat," said Presidential candidate Diddley.
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