22 NOVEMBER 2010
Wake Up, Hamsters!
The long nap between elections is coming to an end and already you can hear the sound of paper rustling and straw crunching as hamsters stir in their nests. The time to prepare a new Hamster For President campaign is upon us once again.
Senior hamsters and middle-aged hamsters, too; youngsters, babies and hamsters yet-to-be-born - all have a stake in the process and all have a part to play. By the end of January 2011 - that's just around the corner, in case you haven't noticed - the primary phase of the campaign will be in full swing.
Here's how it works. All hamsters currently among us who are fit to hold office will be included as potential nominees. But that's really a technicality. Until the end of the year 2011, our job is not to pick which hamster will end up being the consensus candidate in November of 2012, but rather to promote the high ideals of rodents in high office.
Government by Rodent! What could be easier to sell? With political talk being about "negative poll numbers" and the "who do voters hate most" question asked daily, it's clear they're looking for a fresh start. And that's what we're all about.
Negative poll ratings are a measure of how much the public doesn't like somebody. If you poll 50 per cent negative, half the people in the poll have an unfavorable opinion of you. For the record, hamsters poll negative at zero per cent! So does that automatically mean the opposite is true, that we're polling 100 per cent on the positive side? No, unfortunately. The reason we don't fill the difference with positive opinions is because fewer than half of U.S. voters realize that hamsters can and have run for president. The fact is we have had candidates in every race since the 1996 election - that'll be 16 years come the 2012 election!
Step one in our outreach is our new, re-designed web page. The task of developing it has been placed in the trustworthy and competent paws of Gabe, our geek-ham and webmaster. It is far from complete, but Gabe has stayed up day after day, giving up his sleep (and even his night-time wheel-running) to bring it all together. And he won't stop until it's done.
Legal matters are being handled by our in-house hamster-at-law, Fuzzy Sozo, who specializes in rodent rights but is quite capable of tangling with election officials and others who may emerge to make trouble for us. He's got a heart of gold. And he's got an ego to match. It would be a huge mistake to underestimate him.
Enormous credit must go to our logistics-ham, D'Arcy, who keeps things running smoothly. It is her job to imagine anything and everything that could possibly go wrong and then step in to make sure it doesn't. It's a hard, endless job which requires that she pay meticulous attention to detail while never losing sight of the "whole picture." She is also the mother-in-law of Gabe, the mother of Pestis, and grandmother of Fuzzy Sozo.
Pestis, who runs a real estate company that specializes in glorified ratholes of every kind and description, is also our national network-ham, as her business dealings bring her into constant contact with rodents and humans (and occasionally clients of other species) coast to coast.
The election effort is assisted by many others. There is Bonno, the official HFP film maker, another son-in-law of D'Arcy, husband of Pestis, and father of Fuzzy Sozo. Also on board is Limood, who specializes in weather and atmospheric events and dabbles in philosophy on the side. Our intellectual info-ham is Beetle (pictured above the headline) who can watch the news and commit an entire month's worth of political events to memory, both forwards and backwards (and he says the news always looks better either played back in reverse or upside-down). Last but not least is the "baby" of the group, little Cosmo (pictured at the top left). His vocation - which is vastly underrated but greatly appreciated - is to make everyone else happy doing their work. He's also taking college level courses online and at present his entire case load consists of Law Enforcement for Rodents 101.
With such competent help and thousands of friends around the world, It shouldn't be hard to convince human voters to get rid of what they don't want and replace those furless clunkers with soft, cute, fuzzy non-politicians who aren't out to make a buck or to block progress or to starve the poor and who won't make any promises that they can break later (except the promise not to make any promises). Who better to occupy the White House than an extended family of clean, quiet, friendly little hamsters? It's time for idealism and pragmatism rolled into one: The candidate who won't disappoint, that humble rodent who neither promises nor delivers.
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