9 July 2008
The next president of the United States has been chosen!
In a week-long convention held at Denver's historic Seed Building, rodents of every variety got together to choose the lovely Zoey, granddaughter of former candidate Diddley Squat V, to represent the Hamster Party in the November election.
The Denver conference was the first that was open to all rodents, and activities went on all day ("Squirrel Time") and all night ("Hamster Time"), with caucuses organized along species lines rather than by state of residence.
There was no lack of support for any of the seven candidates seeking the nomination, and the final vote didn't come until early in the morning of the sixth day, when the chipmunk delegation, headed by an elder statesrodent known as "BossMonk" from nearby St. Elmo, Colorado presented the announcement that put Zoey over the top.
The rest of that day and the next were spent in a non-stop unity celebration, with rodents raiding seed supplies from the sub-basement to the upper floors of the famed warehouse.
As the convention neared its happy end, Zoey took to the podium - actually a wooden crate brought in for the occasion - to present to the joyous crowds her sister and running-mate, Zero. Zoey is a resident of Colorado, while Zero's legal residence is in the state of Arizona.
As the pair spoke to the cheering throngs, Zero reminded the delegates that there is "nothing written in the 'Book of Life' that says humans have to be ruled by professional politicians." Noting that those old enough to vote are old enough to govern themselves, she promised that a vote for Zoey and Zero "will get you zilch" - a campaign promise as easy to keep as it is popular with the masses. Zoey said she will name those she plans to appoint to key government positions in early July at another national gathering, the annual Mensa conference at the uptown Denver Sheraton Hotel - appropriate enough, given the fact that its name (spelled "Che, Raton!") means "Hey, rat" in Spanish.
It has been widely rumored that a De- partment of Peace will be created and headed by a prominent Ohio hamster who is known for promoting laid-back hamsterly laziness, which he claims can cure everything from road rage and domestic violence to ulcers and high blood pressure. Dr. Herbivorous H. Hamster of Virginia is considered a likely pick for Surgeon General, and Yersinia Pestis, a fourth cousin of the nominees, has publicly said she is interested in heading Health and Human Services.
Ironically, two other political parties, the Democrats and Libertarians, are holding their 2008 political conventions in Denver, as well.
As the post-convention partying drew to a close, a committee of church mice from Cheyenne, Albuquerque, and Pueblo arrived to help clean up piles of sunflower seed shells and other debris, in some places several inches deep.
The HFP Election Committee has also announced that it will again commission YodaVision Studios, the world's only rodent-owned film production company, to produce the 2008 Hamster For President propaganda video. This year's edition will not only feature the candidates and support staff, but will contrast the coming era of "Pax Rodenti" with the past eight years of insanity, including vice-presidential shooting sprees, wars for oil that backfired, a devastated economy, a world in turmoil, and Karl Rove.
The campaign will not be seeking financial contributions; a team this good can win by posting video messages on YouTube. But the hamsters will gladly accept donations of raisins, nuts, and yogurt drops. But more than anything, they want your votes. Use your write-in option to cast your ballots for Zoey and Zero. They win, you win!
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