CAMPAIGN SECRETARY OPUS SORTS THE MAIL

Campaign Q 'n' A

We at the Hamster For President headquarters get a lot of mail, almost all of it positive. Of course, there are different degrees of positive. Perhaps what we read most often is that Potus "can't be worse than the one in office now." Well, that goes without saying, dosn't it? Others say words to the effect that "I'm for Potus, right or wrong."

We here at campaign central hold to a higher standard. Of course Potus will be a better president than any of the alternatives. The fact is so obvious that we sometimes fail to state it loud enough. Consider it said.

And right or wrong? Potus assures all voters out there, whether they be human or any other species, that he will do no wrong. In fact, Potus will do nothing. Nothing at all! That's the whole point. He's going to fulfill his campaign promise to be a hamster - sleeping all day, eating seeds and snacks and veggies all night, and definitely minding his own business.

Then there are those really difficult questions that every now and then come our way. Most of them have to do with a former White House occupant named Bill Clinton. This is from a typical email:

"[M]ost hamsters I know have certain hormonal drives similar to a recent president (aka Clinton). Can we be sure that there will be no stained velvet in your time in office should you be elected?"

These common misunderstandings are the most difficult for us to deal with. In fact, we convened an all-rodent panel of experts, headed by legislative director Opus (pictured above), to study the matter. The seven commissioners concluded that the rumors about over-active hamster libido could be traced to an incident years ago when a very honorable hamster, possibly the great-grandfather of Potus, took a plunge down what could be called a human female's cleavage. This incident, which drew only minor interest at the time, was later picked up and exaggerated by the tabloids and a completely erroneous version has now become urban folklore in many places.

This is another question we hear, in one form or another, all the time:

If elected, what will you do about the escalating violence in Iraq? Also, what do you think has been your biggest failure of your campain over the last few months?

Actually, that's two questions. First, about war in general, our answer is simple. War is impossible without taxes, and hamsters will not take your money away from you. That means no money for the war, which means no war.

Failures.... ah ... we've had a very few. There was the time one of our senior staff found his cage had been accidentally left open and he bolted - with pouches full of seeds, of course. He soon found a nice, quiet spot under a bookshelf, where he proceeded to take about ten square inches of carpeting and chew it up to make a nest. He was caught the following night when he made too much noise crunching on a sunflower seed. He was returned to his cage, but not before about $1,000 worth of carpeting had been destroyed by that one conspicuous hole.

Then there was the youthful indiscretion of another staff member, whom I shall not name. On an outing of the most privileged sort - the bed of the Great Furless One who cares for us (also known as the "GFO") - this youngster decided she should create a new pee corner on the side of the bed nearest the pillows. Needless to say, she got a long, long lecture over that mistake, and it surely won't happen again.

Then there was the big check that someone sent the campaign. It was for a lot of money, but nobody knows how much for sure. That's because, before the mail even got opened, our zealous mail-management team decided they liked the bluish envelope and shredded it with their teeth, check and all.

Then there are those messages we get with words to this effect:

If I was American, I'd be voting for Potus!! But unfortunately, I live in ....

Fill in the blanks with any place you can imagine - Canada, Japan, Brazil, UK, Sweden, France.... They come from all over. We're doing our best to commandeer a boatload of absentee ballots. If we succeed, we'll track all of you down and get them out before the election in November.

Finally, there are messages of this variety:

We love you, Potus!

....To which I can only say....

I love you, too!







Don't miss any news from the Hamster For President campaign! You can receive automatic e-mail notices alerting you to changes made here. Just enter your email address.



it's private
powered by
ChangeDetection