Here they are. The new faces who have joined the campaign staff for the New Year 2003. Yofah, Electra, and Diamond are the daughters of Tennham and Vladka, born 14 November 2002. Maggy is Potus's youngest sister, born 16 September. And "Baby Ozzy Boy," born 22 December, is the son of Simone and Zebedee.
Already the human candidates are gearing up for Election 2004, and so it's time the hamsters got to work. Already, the newly-organized Campaign 2004 Commiittee has set several goals for the next few months.
The first order of business, of course, is the propagation of the species. To that end, Yofah took a husband, the illustrious Congresshamster Opus (Maryland 8th District), on 18 January 2003. The couple was blessed with a litter of tiny hamlets on 4 February 2003. Gentle Mojo and and the lovely Maggy were united in holy furlock on the 1st of February, and they, too, plan to start a family in the not-too-distant future.
While human politicians play a fear-mongering game with the public, a specially-appointed committee of small furry animals has uncovered a far greater threat to homeland security than anything even imagined by the current Washington political establishment. This is not a mere threat, either. It is a reality. And it takes millions -- yes, millions -- of lives every single day.
We are speaking, of course, of deliberate rodent-extermination campaigns. The mousetrap and its evil companion, the rat trap, daily kill hundreds of thousands of our kind. Poisons, placed strategically and often disguised as food, are responsible for the deaths of millions, particularly our most economically-disadvantaged brethren who live in alleys and sewers. Systematic campaigns are waged to destroy our habitat, razing vacant buildings and cleansing streets of the cast-off morsels that are the sole means by which many impoverished rodents are able to survive. Often, particularly in the rural setting, creature is pitted against creature, as hungry felines are set loose to pray upon our country cousins. In laboratories, our kinfolk are tortured and dismembered. And all the while, hobbyists try to come up with new ways to make bird feeders squirrel-proof - blatant and vicious discrimination against our fluffy-tailed friends which is intended, in most cases, to starve them!
It must stop! This is terrorism of historical proportions! Under a rodent administration, these abominations will cease. All government rodent-kill programs will be halted, from the federal to the state and even the local levels. Not a dime of US money will go to pay for this deadly terror. Traps will be burned and poisons will be dumped into toxic waste receptacles, inaccessible to the vulnerable rodent. Indeed, we shall encourage kindness and generosity to all living species. For indeed, if Washington's vile bureaucrats can unleash such murderous plots against the furry citizens of our nation, how long will it be before they single out certain types of furless mammals, perhaps unpopular human minorities, for similar destruction ... hmmmm?
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