Diddley Squat for President

Diddley Squat for President ENDORSEMENTS Diddley Squat Hamster For President Primary

Welcome to the official home page of the Hamster For President campaign. We appreciate your support.

The photo shown below is our national election headquarters, an abandoned body shop and gas station in a deserted Colorado town of Dust Bowl vintage. As you can see, we don't waste the money our donors send us and we won't waste taxpayers' money, either.

The campaign office sits on four acres of dry, stony land. It was purchased from Pestis Properties, a hamster owned real estate firm, for one quarter-ounce of millet birdseed. The utilities consist of donated candles and, in winter, an occasional piece of tumbleweed in the old wood stove. We make phone calls only when the rare hitchhiker seeks refuge here and offers us cell phone minutes in exchange for our hospitality. We pay no property taxes as the local land assessor resigned in 1971, has not been replaced, and likely never will be replaced, as very few properties remain standing to tax in this godforsaken piece of the high desert.

This may seem an unlikely place for a presidential campaign headquarters. Indeed, it is. But rodents are true outsiders when it comes to politics and genuinely concerned about fiscal responsibility. Not only will we cease to waste money on frivolous extras, we'll stop spending altogether until the debt is paid. We'll go after former leaders to pay back the money they spent on personal vendetta wars and ask the super-rich to return the money they gained in reckless tax breaks and corporate bail-outs.

Under a rodent administration, all public expenditures will be made in seeds and other hamster commodities until such time as the country is back on its feet and everyone has a job.

"President Hamster" - whoever gets voted into office after all the votes are counted - will not accept monetary reward for public service. On the contrary, we ask only a good meal of seeds and blocks once a day accompanied by some other nourishing food such as tomato, berry yogurt, tofu, cooked (unsalted) pasta, cucumber, peaches, apples, melon, bok choy, fresh kale, soy beans, carrots, sweet peas, corn, string beans, and other such tasty morsels.

We gladly accept your donations of any of these things - along with bottled water - and welcome campaign volunteers who will clean up the office for us once in a while. You must bring contributions in person as there is no longer any mail delivery out here.

We are less than half a mile west of Genoa, Colorado. To get here westbound on I-70, take exit 371, then turn left immediately onto the east-west access road (Old Hiway 24) just south of the train tracks. After 2000 feet, you pass the main drag (Country Road 305). Continue west on Old 24 for another 2000 feet until there's a bend (to the left). Keep straight into the field for approximately 700 feet, and there we are. From Limon, go 9.4 miles east to 371 and double back using the same instructions.

As hamsters, we tend to be nocturnal. In other words, we welcome your visit any time of day or night, but we are most active after sunset. So while this place may at first look "spooky," do not fear. We love sitting around discussing the issues with anyone who is interested. And we're warm and fuzzy 100 per cent of the time. Hope to be seeing you soon!